Sunday, 4 October 2009

The Rules of Drinking.

It never ceases to amaze me just how wrong people can do it. Here are some rules that should help.

1. If you owe somebody money, always give it back to them in the pub, or on the way to the pub.
2. Buying somebody a drink is five times better than a handshake.
3. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is stupid.
4. Never 'borrow' more than one cigarette from the same person in a night.
5. Get the barstaff's attention with eye-contact and a smile. Don't shout or wave your money around.
6. If there is a queue at the bar, get your drink and get the fuck away from the bar at once.
7. If somebody offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your booze preferance.
8. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
9. Don't talk to anybody in the bathroom. Unless you are a woman.
10. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It'll shake your confidence.
11. If there is a DJ, you may only request one song in a night. If he doesn't play it, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
12. Never complain about the quality of any free booze.
13. The only thing that tastes better than free booze is stolen booze.
14. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every fucker would be doing this.
15. If you are the only person in the pub, you are obliged to make small talk with the barstaff until you get ignored. Then you're off the hook.
16. Anybody on a stage or behind a bar is 50% better looking.
17. If you spill a drink, clean it up. If you smash a glass, wait for the barstaff to tidy it up, and blame it on somebody else.
18. It's fine to drink alone.
19. If you get a shot, finish it. In one go. Don't sip it, you pussy.
20. Never shout out jukebox selections to somebody you don't know.
21. If you think you might be slurring a bit, you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, you are no longer speaking English.
22. Shouting 'somebody buy me a drink!' won't work.
23. Never rest your head on the table or bar.
24. If you're going to try to pull a member of barstaff, tip them well before and after, regardless of their response.
25. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller pint is yours.
26. It is acceptable to disappear during a night of hard drinking. Your friends will think you're mysterious, and they will understand. If they notice.
27. If you hesitate for more than 2 seconds when the barstaff looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
28. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has right of way.
29. If you're drinking at work, try to stick to vodka.
30. It's fine to drink at any time of day. Especially if you're meant to be doing something else.
31. It's always best to mix your drinks. You're drinking to get drunk.
32. There will usually be one person in your group who can not go to Sleazy's, for whatever reason.


  1. too right.

    no. 21 saw me pissing myself.

  2. im not going to lie i have probably broken, most if not all of these in my drinking career...